Stages or Expected Cyclical Emotions of Grief?

In the initial days after my son's passing, I found little to rely on. I clung to what I knew about grief, which wasn't much, leaving me disheartened and desperate for answers. I believed grief was linear and had a conclusion. I knew of the five stages of grief and scrutinized every emotion against them, thinking they were my lifeline out of my pain. I repeatedly went over everything in my mind, trying to align with these stages. I wanted to know the sequence, duration, anything to predict my grief journey. I spent a lot of time and anguish on this. Like many things since his death, I fixated on it. I read articles, books, blogs, and constantly reviewed my thoughts to match them with the stages. Not finding any real answers, I felt I was grieving incorrectly. I thought something was wrong with me, that I'd remain trapped in pain, reliving that awful day, unable to breathe. Then one night, I heard a character on a favorite show explain that these stages apply more to someone with a terminal illness, intended for them coming to terms with their death. I sat up, rewound, felt lighter, started to cry again, and felt guilty for that relief.

We don't experience our grief journey through these stages just once. We relive them repeatedly. So why do we call them stages? Why label the grief process in stages? A stage is essentially a point in time in a process, suggesting finality and an end. Once a stage is passed, you move to the next and don't return. For example, teething. Babies go through a teething stage but never return to it because their teeth have grown in.

The emotions labeled as stages of grief are more cyclical and random in order. Yesterday, you might have accepted your loss heavily on your mind and heart. You recalled memories with the understanding that they are all you have, remaining dry-eyed. Today, you deny that acceptance, hoping for their smile or laugh, not from a cherished recording. Tomorrow could bring either of those feelings or something entirely new!

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are strong emotions labeled as the five stages of grief. It's said there's no timeline or order for these emotions, yet they're expressed as the sole way to experience grief, leading some to believe that once they "pass" these stages, grief ends. Unfortunately, this isn't usually the case. These stages are more of a guide, an example of emotions you may encounter, as others have. A forewarning, if you will, assuring that these emotions are part of grieving.

There's so much focus on these stages that other emotions can be unexpected. Guilt is significant, often described alongside the five named stages. The weight of guilt needs its own recognition. It comes in many forms and can overshadow joy. Fear often creeps in, rarely linked to another stage emotion, deserving its own acknowledgment. It's significant. After a life-altering loss, fear grips tightly. Grievers often imagine worst-case scenarios. Mothers' heart rates soar when their children are out of sight. Spouses worry over every health condition as if they're terminal. Fear isn't described as a "normal" grief emotion, but it should be. It infiltrates daily life.

Grief cannot be confined to five stages. It's cyclical, unpredictable. Any emotion felt is part of grieving, with no timeline. Grieving is continuous. Unfortunately, there's no end. Initially, I told myself, I had him for 17 years, I'll grieve for 17 years. I realize now, I'll grieve forever, feeling the stages as random emotions. I'll give myself grace to feel them fully. I've come to understand that all emotions felt are to be cherished, no matter the tears shed.